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I yearn for a simpler time. Life in this modern age can be frustrating and scary, what with the global warming and the bad cholesterol and the high-definition reruns of 'The Nanny'. I long for a more peaceful existence, free from the complications of the twenty-first century lifestyle. I'm ready to re-adopt a few of our long-forgotten traditions, to recapture the halcyon days of yore. Yesteryore, even. I'm not screwing around here.
First, I'd like to go back to using surnames to describe peoples' professions. So, if I meet a Shoemaker, I'll know he can help me patch the holes in my sneakers. If I run into a Baker, I can ask for a 'doughnut hole', without worrying how exactly he'll interpret the request. And if a Parker happens to be around -- well, maybe he can finally get my car into my garage spot. Plus, he might be turn out to be Spider-Man. That would be sweet.
While we're at it, how about if we go back to riding horses to get around? Gas prices are high, pollution is terrible, and I for one am fed up with that creepy, big-eared 'zoom zoom' brat. Much better that we should saunter around the natural way, atop large domesticated hairy animals. We can ride twelve wide down the highway, trotting and cantering our way to the office. Sure, we'll all need stables -- and salt licks, and hay bales, and the level of poop in the streets would escalate, just a touch, unless you live in Paramus -- but it's a small price to pay to be rid of our mobile metal monsters. And just think of all the glue and Big Macs we'll be able to make with the 'leftovers'.
It doesn't end there, though. I think we should settle all of our differences the old-fashioned way, too, with a nice pistol duel. If it was good enough for the founding fathers, then why not us? Put away the fancy Glocks and rifles -- those things won't help you much, anyway, once we convert back to horseback travel. Have you ever heard of a 'gallop-by shooting'? Me, neither. We'll nip an awful lot of violence in the bud, if the would-be perps were forced to use ancient flint-lock pieces to do their dirty deeds. Those things are more likely to blow off your fingers than to take out your enemy. I'd think twice before stepping off ten paces against the guy who dissed my baby's mama, that's for sure.
I suppose the Internet is out, too -- if there's anything that screams 'modern technology', it's the internet. So we'll have to get our porn somewhere else, obviously. But also our communications -- email goes out the window, too. Maybe we can Pony Express parchments to each other, or learn to send 'leetspeak' instant messages via smoke signal. Of course, if the spammers get their grubby paws on that technology, they'll fill the skies with soot, selling their snake oil and combination butter churns/penis enlargers. And you thought pop-up ads were bad; at least nobody ever got black lung from one of those.
Finally, let's start talking like the old-timers -- sorry, I mean, 'olde-timers'. All the fancy new lingo and technical jargon around today -- let's throw it all away, and replace it with words like 'forsooth' and ''verily'. Sure, nobody knows what the hell those things mean any more, but is that really any different than technoweenie talk like 'phishing' or 'emoticon'? If we're going to be unintelligible, at least we can sound Shakespearean. That's my attitude.
Would any of these measures make our lives easier? Perhaps. Maybe we should ask the Amish, before we go to all the trouble. They certainly seem happy, raising barns and riding in buggies and not smoking or drinking or dancing or... wow. If we're really serious about going 'retro', I suppose we have to fall in line with all of that uber-observant religious mumbo-jumbo, too. I never thought about that. And there's no way I'm getting up before noon on Sundays, or giving up my three-margarita breakfasts. So, never mind. Maybe the modern life isn't quite so bad, after all. Verily.
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Cancer can attack any part of the body; lungs, stomach, reproductory organs and many other parts. A common form of cancer in men is testicular cancer. This is a cancer that occurs in the male sex glands in the scrotum. Testicles produce and store sperms while producing male hormones.
Testicular cancer is also known as germ cell tumor and is of two kinds - seminoma or nonseminoma. About 40% of testicular cancer are seminoma type and the other are divided into four sub-types; choriocarcinoma, teratoma, embryonal carcinoma and yolk sac tumors. The cancer can sometimes also be a combination of both cancers, and are called mixed germ-cell tumors.
Testicular cancer is prevalent in men aged between 15 and 35 and is more common in white men than Asians and blacks. The exact causes are still unknown, but there are various risk factors that can induce testicular cancer. Underdevelopment of testicles, Klinefelter’s syndrome where the man experiences sterility, small testes, breast enlargement and lesser male hormones and those who have had testicular cancer are all prone developing cancer on the other testicle in the 25 years after the attack.
There is nothing that can be done to prevent testicular cancer; the most that could be done is its early detection. Testicular self-exam is a great means of diagnosing testicular cancer; it is always better to test testicles immediately after bathing as this is when the scrotal sac is relaxed. The testicles have to be rolled between the forefinger and thumb for any signs of lumps.
Besides a lump, swelling in the testicles or some changes in the feel of the testicle are symptoms for testicular cancer. Accumulation of fluid in the scrotum or pain in the scrotum is also considered as symptoms of testicular cancer. Though these symptoms may signify other conditions, it is always better to have a physician evaluate the condition. Testicular cancer can also be diagnosed through ultrasound of the scrotum or a biopsy. Once testicular cancer is detected, treatment is rendered according to the extent of the condition.
Depending on whether testicular cancer is seminoma or nonseminoma, and its stage, is its treatment determined. All treatments involve the removal of the affected testicle. However, as this can affect fertility and sexuality, this has to be discussed with the family. With the removal of a testicle, the other testicle is capable of producing sperms and an erection so that it is possible to father a child.
However, any other surgery, radiation and chemotherapy also affect sperm production and ejaculation. So the treatment should be discussed before adapting it. In nonseminomas, the lymph nodes are also removed to find out the extent of tumor spread. However, this is not necessary in seminomas as CT scans provide sufficient information.
Radiation is preferable for seminomas, and not for nonseminomas as they are not sensitive to radiation. When giving radiation, the remaining testicle is usually shielded to prevent radiation reaching it as this may hamper its ability in producing sperms. Though sperm count may reduce after radiation, it returns to normal in a few years of treatment.
Chemotherapy is administered after surgery through injections or orally to kill any tumor cells there may be in the body. Whatever the treatment adapted, it is necessary to have follow up testing because there is always the chance of a recurrence of a second tumor. There are different follow up testing routines to be adapted; it all depends on the case.
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Breast augmentation mammoplasty is also known as a breast enlargement. This procedure improves the contours of the body of women who are unhappy with the size of their breasts. Correcting the loss of volume after a pregnancy, help in balancing the asymmetrical breast size or reconstructive technique after a breast surgery are all possible through breast augmentation.
The procedure is done on an outpatient basis and carried out under general anesthesia. By making an incision, the surgeon will place a prosthesis or an implant under the muscle, under the breast tissue, or through an incision near the region of the belly button. The incision can also be made around the nipple, in the armpit or under the breast. The entire procedure will be finished in one or two hours. Saline (salt water) filled silicone sacks form part of the breast implant. The outer surface will look textured and smooth. Depending upon the individual need, the surgeon will select from implants that comes in various shapes and sizes.
Breast enlargement is one of the results of the breast augmentation but the basic defects in the form or shape of the breast will not be altered by the surgery. There will not be total correction of the asymmetrical breast but it will be improved by the surgery. The slight difference in shape or size is not abnormal and it is not a cause for worry. Only when the size of the breast or position of the nipple is very asymmetric then a further corrective procedure is needed. The majority of women achieve satisfactory results after breast augmentation.
The other popular and common procedure is Liposuction, which, is designed to remove the fatty tissue also known as “cellulite”. When isolated areas in the body do not respond to diet or exercise for the reduction of excess fat, the surgeon will remove it by this elective procedure. Some of the areas involved in this procedure are neck, face, ankles, knees, abdomen, thighs and hips. People with good skin tone and who carry fatty deposits get satisfactory results from Liposuction. Obesity cannot be treated by this procedure. There is a limit on how much fatty tissue is removed at any given time, in order to maintain the procedural safety.
As the swelling subsides, there will be a noticeable and improved result after this procedure. Within a day after the surgery the patient should be up and walking around. Complete activity can be resumed in two to four weeks time. Until all the bruising is subsided, exposure to sun should be avoided.
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If you have taught your child all the rules of ‘stranger danger’ you have protected him/her from a 1% chance of being sexually abused. This leaves your child vulnerable to the most likely sexual child abuse offender, family members or other trusted adults. 80% of children are sexually abused by a family member, 19% are abused by someone the child knows and trusts. The other little known statistic is the frequency of sexual child abuse. David Finkelhor and Dianna Russell’s research reveals 62% of girls and 31% of boys will be sexually abused by age 18. Unfortunately this statistic is considered low due to the difficulty in gathering data through surveys or reporting agencies.
For many decades we have screamed, ranted, condemned, demanded and enacted legislation to punish sex offenders to little avail. The news media and magazines have joined in the campaign to illuminate the problem after the damage is done. As a result of the media’s incessant coverage and hype of ‘strangers,’ we have come to believe if we teach our children about ‘stranger danger,’ we have thoroughly protected our children from this horrific crime.
The first response we form when hearing of sexual abuse or incest is denial. ‘I don’t have to be concerned about that in my community. That would never happen in my family.’ The unbelievable reality is that a person who sexually abuses children may seem very average and ordinary to the world. Furthermore, we find sexual abuse and incest even more difficult to believe or accept when the person we like, admire, love, and/or marry is the perpetrator of the abuse. Tragically, the unwillingness to accept the facts concerning sexual abuse perpetrators leaves children vulnerable to becoming victims and increases the likelihood that they will be abused. To understand how sexual child abuse is perpetrated by the person we least suspect one needs to have a comprehensive definition of sexual abuse.
“Traditionally, incest [sexual abuse] was defined as: sexual intercourse between two persons too closely related to marry legally--sex between siblings, first cousins, the seduction by fathers of their daughters. This dysfunctional blood relationship, however, does not completely describe what children are experiencing. To fully understand all sexual abuse, we need to look beyond the blood bond and include the emotional bond between the victim and his or her perpetrator. Thus, a new definition has emerged. The new definition now relies less on the blood bond between the victim and the perpetrator and more on the experience of the child. Incest is both sexual abuse and an abuse of power. It is violence that does not require force.
Another is using the victim, treating them in a way that they do not want or in a way that is not appropriate by a person with whom a different relationship is required. It is abuse because it does not take into consideration the needs or wishes of the child; rather, it meets the needs of the other person at the child’s expense. If the experience has sexual meaning for another person, in lieu of a nurturing purpose for the benefit of the child, it is abuse. If it is unwanted or inappropriate for her age or the relationship, it is abuse. Incest [sexual abuse] can occur through words, sounds, or even exposure of the child to sights or acts that are sexual but do not involve her. If she is forced to see what she does not want to see, for instance, by an exhibitionist, it is abuse. If a child is forced into an experience that is sexual in content or overtone that is abuse.
As long as the child is induced into sexual activity with someone who is in a position of greater power, whether that power is derived through the perpetrator’s age, size, status, or relationship, the act is abusive. A child who cannot refuse, or who believes she or he cannot refuse, is a child who has been violated.. (E. Sue Blume, Secret Survivors).”
There are two types of sexual abuse approaches—overt and covert.
Overt sexual abuse is openly sexual and apparent. Although there may be an attempt to deny that it is abusive, there is no attempt to hide the fact that it is sexual in nature.
Covert sexual abuse is more insidious. Thus, identifying it is harder, because the sexual nature of the action is disguised. The perpetrator acts as if she/he is doing something non-sexual, when in fact he or she is being sexual. The betrayal then becomes two-fold. The child is not only abused, but also tricked or deceived about the act. In this dishonesty, the child is unable to identify or clarify his/her perception of the experience. The unreal or surreal sense that accompanies any sexual abuse is intensified when the child is tricked into disbelief. Thus, the child doubts his/her perceptions and feelings and believes that there is something wrong with him/herself because he/she feels terrible. To make matters worse, everyone around her/him discounts signs of the abuse, because we don’t want to believe someone with a sterling public image would do such a thing. Thus the child feels crazy, as if she/he is the one with the problem.
One example of overt sexual abuse whereby the perpetrator disguises his actions and those present are in denial about what is transpiring is exemplified by the incident a client, who is a sexual abuse survivor, reported seeing. Her father (her perpetrator) kissed his granddaughter, her one-year-old niece on the pubic area after her niece finished her bath. Her sister, the child’s mother, the child’s grandmother (wife of the perpetrator) were present. “My sister and mother (the child’s grandmother) laughed and I got sick to the stomach. Am I over reacting,” she asked. Obviously, her sister and mother are unaware of the definition of sexual abuse. Except for the fact this woman was in therapy she would not have considered it sexual abuse either.
An example of covert sexual abuse by someone we least expect is exemplified by a 39 year-old woman who came to me after having a severe panic attack. During our investigation as to the root cause of the panic attack she revealed she had been ‘fondled’ when she was nine by a family friend. “He helped me on with my coat at a family gathering. As he adjusted my coat onto my shoulder, he fondled my breast.” This type fondling is often times referred to as ‘coping a feel.’ No matter the label, it is sexual abuse and causes damage. Women know how icky it feels when a man ‘cops a feel.’ Can you imagine what it would feel like for a nine-year-old, who has no information to comprehend and emotionally resolve what she experienced?
Another example of covert sexual abuse by someone you least expect was told to me by my client, Rickie (not his real name). He remembered being held by his mother’s best friend in the water at the beach when he was six, while his parents sat on the beach. Fully protected from view by the water, she fondled his penis. This was not the end of the sexual abuse. When Rickie was 15 years old, she enticed him to have sex with her at her home while he waited for her son, his friend to come home. The second incident of her sexual abuse of Rickie was overt.
There are six key techniques to abuse-proof your child.
•Avoid spanking your child—spanking is a body boundary violation. Perpetrators target children who have had body boundary violations because they are less apt to protest any unacceptable body boundary violations, are more compliant with adults and are less apt to tell. You can avoid your child from falling prey to these cunning perpetrators by doing everything to avoid making your child a target.
•Avoid touching your child in erotic areas—buttocks, chest, thighs, etc. Perpetrators state they use familiar touch (rubbing the child’s legs, buttocks or hugging/kissing) to desensitize the child before using touch which is sexual in content and intent. If your child is unaccustomed to being touched in erotic areas, he/she will protest immediately. Protesting will either thwart the perpetrator or alert anyone nearby that something is awry.
•Teach your child self-protection by teaching him/her to protest violation of body boundaries or unwanted touch beginning at age two.
•Practice and teach your child good body image.
•Practice and teach your child to TELL YOU EVERYTHING, NO SECRETS FROM MOMMY and DADDY.
•Practice and Teach Appropriate Suspicion—Trust your intuition, (a.k.a Sixth Sense)
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Whoever sends junk emails has got me completely wrong. They seem to think I’m a seedy, hypochondriac bloke with a lot of problems down below. Not only am I cursed with a miniscule member, it’s about as reliable as the old A40 Mum used to drive.
Apparently, my girlfriends are sniggering among themselves about my shrunken, faulty manhood. And my long suffering wife (I have one of those as well as the girlfriends) is concerned I may not be able to get her pregnant.
Nevertheless, my alter ego’s appetite is insatiable. I’m in the market for a sexy Russian girl who can’t spell but has breasts the size of bowling balls.
When not performing disappointingly in the bedroom, I’m swallowing dodgy prescription drugs with names that sound only partially familiar like Aspromix and Pethadinerole. My other obsession is cheap, immitation watches.
While the real me usually deletes these messages without opening them, I’ve taken a look at one just now - in the interests of journalism.
Apparently, if I buy one particular outlet’s Viagra, I’ll be able to open a beer bottle with my penis. That could be handy. Finding the bottle opener’s always tricky. It gets lost among the tangle of spatulas and serving spoons in the middle drawer.
The advertisement says I may even be invited to become a porn star. Well, I guess it’d be more lively than cleaning up the cat litter box.
Most of the time I delete junk mail messages on automatic pilot. Their lurid subject headings are easy enough to detect among precious emails from readers. Often the highlight of my week, readers’ emails mean a lot. I try to reply to them all (except unspeakably abusive ones).
The other day as I was deleting Viagra advertisements, I had a horrible sinking feeling. Without meaning to I wiped an email titled Velcro. No doubt it was a reader’s response to a comment I made about Velcro being one of the best inventions of the 20th Century.
They were probably telling me off, saying advances in medicine and science were far more important. They’re right, of course. Velcro isn’t that great. It didn’t even supplant zips the way people said it would.
When I asked my husband why men still prefer zips on their trousers, he said Velcro would be too noisy in public toilets - and somewhat mood shattering in other circumstances.
Nevertheless, some inventions have been undervalued for their simple elegance and versatility. Take dental floss, for instance. According to that Bible of the Internet, Google, it was invented by a New Orleans dentist who recommended passing a piece of silk between teeth in the early 1800’s.
He shouldn’t take too much credit, though. It wasn’t long before Taranaki people were using their mothers’ sewing cotton to remove chunks of mutton wedged between their molars.
Nylon dental floss was created during World War Two. Americans use enough of it every year to stretch from Earth to the Moon and back four times. I buy almost that much for our household.
Dental floss is great for all sorts of things around here – hanging Christmas decorations and paintings, training grape vines, oh and occasionally for teeth. I’ve used it to string broken necklaces and earrings together.
Floss is excellent for cutting through dough and cheesecake. It can successfully repair tents and backpacks or reattach umbrella sections back to their spines.
I’m not the only one to explore its potential. In 1994 a prison inmate in Virginia used braided floss to scale a wall and escape.
Another seriously undervalued item is the plastic clothes peg. I’ve yet to discover a better way to seal a half eaten bag of chips. Rubber bands are clumsy by comparison, and those plasticised bits of wire laughingly called “ties” never hold.
Half the stuff in our kitchen cupboards and freezer is held together with clothes pegs – from cereal and frozen peas to rice and some strange brown powder that seems to be a maternity ward for moths.
Pegs are essential for holding music on its stand when our daughter goes busking with her violin at Christmas. Some people use them to hold curtains together, squeeze the last out of the toothpaste tube or to hold the end of matches so their fingers don’t get burnt.
I look forward to hearing from readers about their favourite undervalued inventions – and hope the person whose message was deleted forgives me. It’s so easy these days to mistake Velcro for Viagra.
